“Bone Appétit! The Hilarious Yet Absolutely Necessary Guide to Dogs on Patios”
- Brad Pattison
- Jul 31
- 3 min read
Updated: Aug 21
Let’s set the scene: You're sipping an overpriced cold brew on a sunny Vancouver patio, blissfully enjoying your kale-avocado-air-sandwich, when suddenly—BOOM—a 90-lb golden doodle launches itself onto your lap like a caffeinated parkour enthusiast.
Why?
Because somewhere along the line, someone decided “he’s friendly!” is an acceptable excuse for total canine chaos in public dining spaces.
It’s time for a reality check, folks.
Whether you're a dog owner or a dog-friendly business, we must all be on the same page about dog patio etiquette. This isn't about sucking the joy out of life. It's about making sure that everyone can enjoy their brioche buns without being sniffed in the crotch.
So let’s break it down with a smart, responsible (and slightly snarky) list of rules that both dog owners and businesses should commit to. Tattoo them on your forearm. Embroider them on your dog’s bandana. Whisper them to your latte foam. Just learn them.
🐾 The 12 Commandments of Dog Patio Etiquette (For Humans and Businesses Alike)
1. Thou Shalt Not Bring the “He’s Not Trained Yet” Dog.If your dog sees a baby stroller and thinks it's a chew toy on wheels, patio time isn’t his time. It's basic math: untrained dog + food + people = lawsuit salad.
2. Thou Shalt Keep Thy Canine on a Leash Shorter Than a TikTok Attention Span.No retractable leashes. No “freedom ropes.” If your dog can reach three tables over and sample someone else’s hash browns, your leash is actually a liability.
3. Thou Shalt Respect the Space Bubble.Just like your Uncle Kevin at Thanksgiving, not all dogs (or people) want to socialize. No nose-to-butt greetings unless explicitly approved by both parties.
4. Thou Shalt Not Use the Patio as a Dog Park.If your pup is zooming under chairs, snatching napkins like a paper-thirsty raccoon, or trying to hump a chair leg named “Louise,” it’s time to pack it up.
5. Businesses: Thou Shalt Offer Water Bowls—Not Buffet Lines.Yes, it's adorable to provide doggy treats, but unless you're managing dietary restrictions like a canine nutritionist, maybe just stick to water and admiration.
6. Thou Shalt Not Allow Barking Soliloquies.This isn’t a Shakespearean drama. If your dog wants to give a TED Talk about pigeons, move along. Barking isn’t ambiance—it's noise pollution.
7. Thou Shalt Sit Thy Dog UNDER the Table.Not on the table. Not beside the neighbor's croissant. Not perched like Simba surveying the savannah. UNDER. It's shady, cool, and free of public shame.
8. Businesses: Thou Shalt Have a “No Drama, No Dogs” Policy.If a dog fight breaks out near the iced chai station, there should be zero tolerance. Conflict resolution doesn’t belong on the brunch menu.
9. Thou Shalt Not Feed Thy Dog From Thy Plate.No matter how “organic” your pizza crust is, don’t offer it to your dog in public. It’s not cute—it’s how dogs learn to beg. Next stop: double dipping and table dancing.
10. Thou Shalt Clean Up Thy Dog’s Accidents (Yes, Even the Steamy Ones).If your dog drops a surprise by the potted fern, you better have poop bags—and the courage to own it. Denial is not a cleanup method.
11. Businesses: Thou Shalt Display Dog Rules Like a Bouncer at a Nightclub.Clear signage. Friendly but firm. Bonus points for humour: “Dogs Welcome, But If You Pee on Our Furniture, You’re Out—That Goes for Humans, Too.”
12. Thou Shalt Know When to Call It.Is your dog pacing like a teenager in a data dead-zone? Is he panting, drooling, or side-eyeing the toddler next to him? Respect the signs. Sometimes, the best thing for your dog isn’t a mimosa-filled brunch—it’s a quiet nap at home.
Final Bark:
Dogs on patios can be a beautiful thing. Like cold beer and warm fries. Like sunshine and SPF 50. But it only works when we all show up with a bit of sense and a whole lot of consideration.
So, whether you’re the restaurant owner laying out water bowls or the dog mom stuffing bacon into your purse (for emergencies, of course), let’s agree:
“Good dog” starts with great human behaviour.
Now go forth, dine al fresco, and may your dog never embarrass you in front of that very cute server ever again.
Want a patio-ready dog that minds their manners like a four-legged royalty? Come train with us at Hustle Up Dog Training. Because treat-free training builds brains and boundaries—and that’s good for everyone’s brunch.
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Sigh…I can’t believe we have to write about basic common sense, and decency. Appreciate these reminders though.